How to Relate to Someone who Has Asperger's Syndrome
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You might know someone with Asperger's syndrome, and you might not even know that they have it. This should help you relate to them, and show you some ways to get them to leave their shell and interact.
Steps
- Read articles and books about Asperger's Syndrome, preferably those written by people with the condition.
- Find someone who displays characteristics of Asperger's. You can't exactly do any of the other steps if you don't.
- Approach them slowly, and casually. If you see them in one spot every day, say around noon, start bringing your lunch to that spot, and sit next to them. Don't talk to them the first time, let them get used to your presence first.
- Start a small conversation. People with Asperger's are not very good at conversations, so you will probably need to lead them. You know, start by introducing yourself, and asking their name, then ask them about themselves. For now you just want to get them talking, what about isn't really important yet.
- Try to find some common ground, some activity that both of you enjoy. Agree to get together some time and do it. Show up for the get-together on time.
- Lay your emotions bare to them. Tell them how you feel, even when you think it's patently obvious, and ask them to do the same. They'll love you for it.
- If they are acting strangely, tell them (if it dangers them or others). It's important to let them know. Don't say it meanly either, just say: "Most people don't do that"; or, "That's usually considered inappropriate"; or just "Please don't do that". If it's no harm to anyone, then leave them alone. It could be a comfort to them.
- Introduce them to your other friends, and try to keep everyone getting along. They may act differently in the presence of your friends, or their friends. They may simply not get along. Don't try to force them to get along with your friends... They will probably be most outgoing when encountered one on one.
Tips
- Never lie to someone with Asperger's. People with Asperger's, especially those that have been bullied as children, often have trust issues and even if they only catch you lying once, may never trust you again.
- People with Asperger's tend to be considered "smart". It might be a good idea to ask them to help you with your homework in exchange for your helping them meet people. This will allow you two to relate more.
- Don't coddle them, but try to protect them from bullies and authority figures, at least a little.
- They will probably seem distant most of the time. If that (or something else) hurts your feelings, explain as well as you can what hurt your feelings and why, and work out an agreement that both of you can live with.
- They may be a bit obsessive. Try to put up with it. Rearranging stuff in their houses/room is generally a bad idea.
- Oftentimes they will make no motions to keep the relationship (be it friendship, or something more) going. They won't call, and you might not see them for days anywhere but where you are used to seeing them. That doesn't mean they don't care. Try to encourage them to take some of the initiative, and call them often, if you can.
- If you are in love with them, and you have confirmed that the same is true in reverse. (This is very hard; the best way is just to ask... And be prepared for a misleading response. For example, when they say "Yeah I love you", they might mean like a brother or sister, and not love love. Or they might say "No, I don't", which could mean that they don't family love you, but may friendly love you, or romantically love you, or at least lust after you, and don't think lust really counts. They will probably also be shy). Anyway, if you are in love with them, and have confirmed that they are also in love with you, then you should be very, very, careful. Get to know all their habits, decide if you can live with them, but be prepared for them to completely change after the revelation. (Nervousness, different habits, etc.) If they trust you, you can probably get them to change back to their old lovable selves, but that can be hard. Also be careful. People with AS can burn you, even if they don't intend to. They don't show their feelings well, and you might not understand as well as you thought you did.
- Never talk down to someone with Asperger's Syndrome, or talk to them like you would to a child. It is annoying and insulting to the person with AS.
Warnings
- Do not encourage someone with Asperger's to behave in an inappropriate manner. Doing so will likely cause them to behave in the inappropriate manner more often. Pretty soon they're doing it all the time. This is a bad thing.
- Subtle hints don't work, if you want to communicate then simply say it.
- People with Asperger's are very gentle people. But when they get noticeably angry they usually mean it.
- Many people with Aspergers are very nice people. However, they're only human. Like with any other human being, your personalities may 'clash'.
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Sources and Citations
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